T (minus) ONE DAY.

I. Am a dirty. Freakin’. Liar.

Yeah. I said it.

Every time I post an entry, I end it with, “But don’t worry! I’ll be back WAY SOONER than last time. Really. Keep reading! Stay tuned. TOTALLY LIKE YESTERDAY-SOON I SWEAR.”

And you know what? I’ve still kept silence for days. OR MORE LIKE WEEKS. I’m a bum.

Things are… things. There are moments when I am truly okay, and there are moments when I am a zombie. I feel like I’ve been spending so much time “trying” that I haven’t actually given myself a chance to *actually* chill out. I’ve been getting so worked up over everything that I’ve been breaking out in hives. So badly, in fact, that I’ve hid in a public bathroom until I could make it stop. I don’t break out in hives. I’ve never had that reaction to anything before. I swear, ever since my last birthday (March), I’ve been an insane (hormonal?) mess. Oh, Twenty-Five, how I loathe your bad attitude.

So, anyway, I’ve decided to take it down a notch, for now, and I’ve actually gone back to work at my old job, part-time. The bright sides of this include familiarity, comfort, friends, a paycheck and health insurance. The truly brightest side, at the moment, however, is that I am back just in time for the Breaking Dawn release party, and I AM SO EXCITED.

T (minus) ONE DAY., originally uploaded by Mad-Eye Melissa.

To be clear, I don’t think the books are particularly well-written. I think Stephenie Meyer is a great “story-creator,” and I can’t wait to find out what will happen to Bella, Edward and Jacob (TEAM JACOB! by the way), et cetera et cetera, but the grammatical errors and complete lack of FLOW really irritate me. But like I said — this is not classical literature, here, it’s just a great story.

And so help me God, if she kills off Jacob just to make it easier, I will HUNT HER DOWN. Or at least just be really, really sad. TEAM JACOB! (”NO TOUCHING!”)

I’ve decided to let one of my spunkier coworkers be the only one dressed up as the wonderfully punk-rock Alice and serve coffee (!!) as Rosalie. (”Over my pile of ashes.”) I’m looking to wear either something simply 1930’s-inspired OR… (drumroll, please) a wedding dress. Though that’s a little morbid, if you know the story. We’ll see. I’m on a budget, here, and under time constraints.

This reminds me so much of Harry Potter planning. I’m so glad we get to have this much fun again — if it’s not FULLY the same. I love seeing everyone so excited over A BOOK.

Okay. I’m off… Busy day today, between crafting for this event, trying to finish my costume AND finish assembling my bed so I can NOT sleep on the floor again tonight. Damn your vague packaging, IKEA. Really.

Posted in Bookstore Love, Breaking Dawn, Nine to Five | No Comments »

A quickie

I’ve definitely had more good days than bad, lately, but those bad days (or nights, as it happens) are certainly doozies.

Alternately, why is Panera so cold today??

Posted in Everyday Life, Musings, theBlahs | No Comments »

Smatterings (is the best title I can come up with)

Such skill, such craftmanship!, originally uploaded by Mad-Eye Melissa.

I love this photo (although it’s badly taken in the mobile style, I’m sorry), I really do.

‘Dramatic irony’ occurs when the audience knows something the speaker doesn’t, right? Am I channeling high school English class correctly? Well, perhaps, in this case, the audience could refer to the townspeople of H-A-M-D-E-N.

And OH HOLY GOD Panera’s playing a really saccharine Muzak version of “Fever,” and I swear I can hear every musician ever howling in pain.

I lost my train of thought. Enjoy the photo for what it’s worth — we’re moving on, here.

I know the last thing posted here on Cloud was a downer, and I’m sorry for not being by again until now. I haven’t felt particularly inspired to write anything even remotely witty (and I do refer to my own special brand of wittiness which could be, POSSIBLY, interpreted as peculiarity. Convention be damned, I say.), and I’m walking a thin line even now, to be honest. For the most part, each day has been a bit better than the one before, and I’ve the help of a couple of good friends (and a lot of sushi), and I am feeling a bit more cheerful. I am actively hating, however, this feeling of having to pick up the pieces, since I’m unemployed and a bigfatchicken who’s both too afraid to tell her friends that Pennsylvania didn’t work out AFTER ONLY TWO WEEKS and also really (reallllllllllllllllly) missing her old job and old company. I paid $6.13 for two coffees at a Barnes & Noble Cafe this morning, and my heart broke a little bit more.

The tricky thing is this: I really think PA could have worked, and worked well, if it weren’t for several factors, 90% of which were completely out of my control. I wasn’t homesick… I missed everyone, and finding the Express closed at the only mall within 45 minutes of the inn was definitely a blow to my sense of Comfort Zone!, but I like the Poconos. That’s why I chose to move there in the first place. Being three hours away wasn’t an issue. BUT now that I’m home, it’s definitely been easy to remember why leaving was a little bit difficult; I don’t know when it started to happen, but I like Connecticut. I like being here. I like my organic grocery store and my craft stores and the familiar faces.

And really, I’m not sure that any of this, in the end, is an issue or a stumbling block at all.  I think I’m just a little bit off balance and freaked out, and ultimately unsure of what my next step should be. I miss the inn already, but let’s face it — “things” were not shaping up to be quite what was promised. The situation wasn’t ideal, not that I was expecting them to be perfect, and there would be things that might concern me in future.

…I think that’s enough of that cryptic nonsense, isn’t it?

So one great thing about heading to B&N this morning was that I was finally able to return a DVD set and exchange it. Do you know what I got? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT? My dad laughed at me a little bit, but I am thrilled with my purchase of — drumroll, please — PUNKY BREWSTER SEASON ONE.

Yeah, I said it.

Score!

I also grabbed something called Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages which was a total impulse buy, but hello, it’s called Retail Therapy, get off my back. Plus, it looked interesting, and I’ve been assured by the back cover that it’s “darkly humorous,” and who doesn’t love a little bit of dark humor on a balmy summer day?

And OH DEAR GOD, how long is this post already? Alright, I’m wrapping it up.

I’ll be back way sooner this time, so everyone, please, stay fresh.

Posted in Everyday Life, Musings | No Comments »

Confessions… Not from the closet, as it happens.

I don’t know, something about the word “confessions” just reminded me of R. Kelly. I really apologize, there’s just no excuse.

Anyway. I’ve put a lot of thought into how I would write this entry… Annnnd after all that thought, I’m still no closer to a decision, so let’s just write it on out, shall we? I’m not sure how many people outside of LiveJournal are reading this anyway, and I DO need to post something on MySpace, as well, so I can actually start talking to my friends again, instead of avoiding them out of fear. …I’m taking a breath now.

So on June 6th, I moved to Pennsylvania to start a new job. And on June 17th, I moved back to Connecticut.

Well. That’s a slight truncation of events, really, seeing as how there were two stints in the emergency room mixed up in there, as well as a bunch of trips back and forth to Pennsylvania, wherein I really did attempt to still live there.

But I couldn’t stay. I was just too sick, and I needed to be home with my own doctors. I guess this is just another example of it being “just not the right time,” right?

Right.

I don’t know… I feel like the world’s biggest jerk while simultaneously feeling REALLY super-relieved. I was under a lot of stress before I left Connecticut, and I just couldn’t leave it behind, apparently; I took it with me, and the added stress of moving, starting a new job and being three hours away from everything and everyone I was used to… Bleh. It was just all too much, I guess. I basically stopped taking care of myself, and the rest is history.

The difficult part to admit (and also, somehow, the easiest) is that there is really nothing wrong with me. Don’t get me wrong — I am OVER THE MOON that every blood test, CT scan and ultrasound that I’ve had (and listen, there’ve been a few) have shown absolutely no abnormalities whatsoever, but it provides a slightly less glamorous tale to tell anyone who asks. How do you say, “I’ve suffered from panic and anxiety since I was eight years old, and I seem to have — oh, what are the kids saying now? — ‘lost my sh!t’..? Yeah. That sounds about right.”

The thing is, though, I don’t want to make it sound like there were no physical symptoms or no “real” reason for me to be considered “sick” for the past few weeks… When your body is under duress (from sickness or stress), it… does… certain things. The symptoms of stress and anxiety (both together and separately) mimic those of lots of illnesses, as many of you know (or, at least, those of you reading on LJ, because I KNOW you know).

So either way, I’m home and having trouble doing things like, you know, GETTING UP IN THE MORNING, but I’m working on it, and every day is another day, and every day is another chance to feel a little bit better. I’m taking it slow, I’m baking a lot, I’m seeing friends and trying to take better care of my puppy. Watching A LOT of Lifetime TV, which I’m not sure is a positive, actually. There’s some WEIRD stuff on that channel, man. Weird stuff.

So I guess that’s where I’ll end it for now… I had looked forward to chronicling an important time in my life on Cloudwoven this summer… And I suppose I still will be, though it won’t be quite what I’d had in mind.

We’ll see… One day at a time, right?

Right.

Posted in Poconos, theBlahs | 4 Comments »

Step by step

I know that I have to write something here soon… I know that I have to explain, that I have to get it all out and start just moving on. I can’t hide from everyone for much longer… I don’t WANT to hide, really, I’m just kind of exhausted, and the idea of explaining myself over and over and over again seems like a hugely daunting endeavor.

So, very soon, I WILL write something, and I will explain what happened, and all will be well. I’m alright. Not great, but I am alright.

So.

Posted in theBlahs | No Comments »

Water runs dry

I’ve thought of about one million things to say over the past few days… But now, I’ve got nothing. I could rhapsodize, a bit, about the blessing that is the infrequency with which I use the letter “k,” since the key is falling off of my keyboard. But that would be boring. I’ve got to admit, though, that everytime I remember the the key is broken as I’m typing, I get a little thrill… Keeps me on the edge of my seat, using all of the keys surrounding it, but not the “k” itself.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Me neither.

…So I’ve actually taken a REALLY long break from writing to hook up an external keyboard, since — I’ve got to be honest — the thrill of typing around a broken key? Yeah. It’s gone.

Anyway.

Tonight, I have eaten my weight in sushi, and it’s really only helped my EMOTIONAL pain. (Is there an emotional pain, after all, that can’t be solved with sushi? Exactly.) As far as physical pain, I’m much the same, and really, I can’t complain too much — it’s not unbearable by any means; I’m just a little stiff, with a headache and a jaw that keeps making a popping sound. (??) I’m definitely depressed about the CT/PA situation — I really don’t know what’s happening there, and I suppose I won’t know for sure for a couple of days. Once again, I’m exploring my options and weighing the pros and cons of all of them. It just all really stinks. Really. Stinks. And that’s about all I can say about it for the time being.

I’ve been watching way too much Lifetime television. Bad movies have become my sustenance, and I’ve developed a really soft spot for Reba. I even looked up the music video for “Fancy” — brings back memories of when I was the biggest! country music fan ever! I was little. Shut up. There’s nothing wrong with country music. …Shut up.

For now, I’m hanging out, watching old episodes of Home Improvement, which I was an unashamedly huge fan of when I was 13. Jonathan Taylor Thomas? ADORABLE. I know that Jessa would agree with me.

I… really don’t have much to say. (Was it that obvious?) Maybe I can try again later (tomorrow?) when my head doesn’t feel LIKE SIXTEEN EVIL ELVES ARE CHIPPING AWAY WITH PICKAXES.

Grr…

Posted in Under the Weather, theBlahs | 1 Comment »

The sound of settling (ba ba, ba ba…)

Rainbow!, originally uploaded by Mad-Eye Melissa.

[Can you see the rainbow? We were driving back to Connecticut from Pennsylvania, and this rainbow was incredible — really wide, and you could see ALL of the colors. The sky had darkened a bit by the time I got this shot, and it’s not as visible, unfortunately.]

Points to anyone who catches the title reference, by the way.

So I fixed CW up a little bit… The old theme was irreparable, in the sense that it would have taken me more than 20 minutes to fix, and I am SO not that patient these days. I slapped a new one up, fixed the sidebar, made a quickie graphic, and I’m done. Someday soon, I’ll make it prettier. For now, we go with “sleek.” Okay? Okay.

In other news, I’m feeling a little better this morning… I got more bloodwork back, and everything is essentially normal; I don’t have anything super-serious, which is a HUGE relief, and that weight off of my shoulders has gone pretty far toward my overall improvement. (Those of you familiar with — oh, what’s the word? Hypochondria? OH THAT’S RIGHT — yeahthat — will totally understand, I’m sure.) The bulk of the stomach nonsense has subsided, as well, so… Here’s to getting better?

With all the doctor-type stuff done, I’ll be heading back to Pennsylvania tomorrow, to give this another try. Mom and Dad will drive back with me (and the UHaul, which will be good for a laugh) and make sure that I’m set up well enough to actually take care of myself this time. That will be nice.

I really want to stop in and see everyone at my former job, but — this is going to sound ridiculous — I miss them ALL SO MUCH that I think it might do more harm than good.

I REALLY miss them. You don’t even understand. The other morning, before work, I looked at the beautiful card they gave me when I left, and I GOT CHOKED UP. …Okay, I cried. Just a little bit, BUT STILL.

Sigh. This is not an easy endeavor.

I’m going to try and enjoy this gorgeous day and lessen some more of this awful stress. (Who knew?)

Happy weekend, everyone.

Posted in Nine to Five, Poconos, Under the Weather, theBlahs | No Comments »

OHEMGEE.

HOW DO I DO THINGS LIKE SCREW UP MY WEBSITE SO EASILY?!

Ugh. Bear with me, tonight.

Posted in Cloudwoven.com, theBlahs | No Comments »

Well, this is wretched.

So I’m at home. In Connecticut.

Yes, you read that correctly. I moved to Pennsylvania and started my new job last week, and I’m already home. On a Wednesday night.

…Watching My Super Sweet 16, as it happens, and listen, this is total crap. This kid is getting a party, the cost of which could feed a developing country, and who is he? He seems like a sweet kid and all, but really? He’s done nothing of substance yet in his life, he’s done nothing to make a name for himself… His dad makes a lot of money. Great. How’s that $60,000 SUV treating you?

Anyway, back to the point. I haven’t been feeling well for the past couple of weeks, and with all the stress of moving so far away and starting a new job, finding an apartment and completely readjusting to pretty much everything, I really haven’t been eating or sleeping very well at all. Apparently, it finally caught up with me, because I spent about 5 hours yesterday in the Pocono emergency room with an IV in my arm.

That was fun.

I came back to Connecticut to see my own doctor today, and I left with a slip for more bloodwork and two prescriptions. All I know for sure right now is that I am exhausted and dehydrated and stressed and my stomach is NOT HAPPY.

I had wanted to make this clever… I am wayyyyy too tired.

Sigh.

Posted in Poconos, Under the Weather, theBlahs | No Comments »

Curiosity killed the cat, you know.

• I love my apt!!! Yay. #

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »